God created each and every one of us as unique individuals; each of us has our own unique gifts, talents, and personalities that make each of us who we are. For me, the gift is writing, organizing information and creating or finding conduits where the information flows. Unfortunately, God did not give me the gift to be a public speaker. I have never been good at standing in front of a bunch of people and speaking off the top of my head. It's funny he made me that way, because I have an overwhelming desire to teach. But, sometimes it's easier to write, then pass out articles I've written, complete with sources. As singles leader, then, I feel handicapped in some ways.
Ever since I was a child, I have talked to God about my problems. And, as a child, I talked to God a lot because I was lonely. Funny how I still suffer from the same problem today. But, the reason I talked to God was because I was a curious child. I wanted to know everything about everything, and the easiest place, I found, to get the answer was to go to the source. Can't get much higher source than God.
My need to know and my desire to tell everyone what I find out is the trait of my personality that led me to salvation. Who was this Jesus my sunday school teacher said loved me when I was four years old? Why did he love me? How can I believe he loved me? What did he do to make her think he loved me? When did he say that? Where is he? Once all these questions were answered for me, I was saved at the age of eight.
These traits in my personality also led me to take two years of journalism in high school. I later became president of America's Media Alliance. I home-schooled my youngest son for three years, and my oldest for two, successfully. Finally, these aspects of my personality lead me to continue to ask questions, which continue to lead me into a stronger faith in God.
However, I've found these traits to be a handicap when it comes to building relationships with people. This is because people tend to see me as nosy, too intelligent, and set in my ways. The reason I am so set in my ways stems from the fact that once I have the information, know the source, and have formulated my own conclusions, it takes a whole lot more information that most people have to change my mind. Therefore, I have concluded that it is going to have to take a special man, one that God makes especially for me, to take me away from single life.
Meanwhile, I enjoy reading without interruption. I enjoy watching shows that teach me what I want to know, without fighting over the remote, or listening to someone whine. I love to spend time on the internet researching material without worrying about fixing supper, or cleaning house. I love to spend my time talking to God (who is a great listener, by the way, about what to do with all the information I come across. I love having the time to write.
Having said all this, I'd like to talk about some issues God has brought to my attention this week:
The single's meeting on Saturday night was great. I came away from that meeting more confident, refreshed in my spirit, and eager to meet again tonight. Even though there were only four of us, we discussed issues that we needed to discuss, and probably never would have discussed them under different settings. However, on Sunday came the downward spiral in my confidence and my emotional and spiritual state of mind.
When I picked up Barty and Donna on Sunday morning, I was on a spiritual high because now I understood how much strength God gives to fight temptation to those who are obedient. I wanted to share my victory with everyone. But, by the end of the day, I felt alone, as I realized that no one is really interested in my problems or my victories. Never mind that saying no to sex is as hard for me as it is for Danny to say no to cocaine.
Danny, and others like him, go to N.A. to feel good enough about saying no to say no again. There, at N.A. are people like him who understand his problems. He feels supported there. I had no such support group. Sex is not something most people want to talk about in church. Maybe they should.
If Danny did not have N.A. to go to, would he still say no? Probably, but he wouldn't feel victorious about it. If he hadn't been introduced and become a member of the Biker Church, would he still worship and thank God for his deliverance? That's a question only Danny can answer, but it's unlikely he would have done it so soon. These thoughts made me think about the importance of friendships. It made me realize that so few of us truly understand what friendship is.
I realized, after my last long-term relationship ended, how slack I had become on nurturing my friendships. I realized this when I ended up staying at Randy Sam's homeless shelter because there was no one who could help me. My life was my work. And, the more I got involved with my church, the more I felt confident, having people who would help me if I needed it, knowing I was putting forth great effort to allow God to pick me back up. My apartment is proof of that. Today, I see people everywhere that smile and wave at me because I've proved my self-sufficiency due to my love of God and his mercy to me. But, even now, when I am sad, or discouraged, or need a pat on the back, or someone to just hold me and make me feel protected, the only person I can go to is God. And, sometimes I get tired of hearing the same thing from him all the time, "You are going to be okay. I made you. I know you, I'm taking care of you. Now, get up and DO what you are supposed to do."
Now, I know I need to hear that; and, I know I need to do that, but I would love to have friends who support me morally, the way Danny has when he goes to N.A.. I need friends who are there who understand where I am, how I got there, and who can support me emotionally as I struggle to fulfill the purposes God has for me.
I have struggled with a solution to this problem. The truth is, I don't know the solution. All I can do is teach others what I know about friendship. Maybe if we understand what Jesus needs in his friends, we can all learn to be friends to each other the way I need a friend to be.
So, what is friendship? In order to have a friend, one must know how to be a friend. None of us are whole, or truly happy without friends. Part of the problem is that we fall way short when it comes to growing our friendships. We don't understand that friendships, like plants, have to be nurtured, or they die. Though I find fault with some of his teachings, I heard Creflo Dollar, on TBN, Tuesday morning, say something that I had to rush to write down. After all, I collect information. This bit of information was as if God was speaking to me, through him. Dollar said, "Until you can be single and whole, AND SATISFIED, you ain't ready for marriage."
Until you can be single, and know how to build friendships, and know how to nurture them, and learn to respect them, you don't need to commit yourself to a life partner. I spent half the day thinking about this. He was right.
Most marriages today are based on the fulfillment of the pleasures of lust, or what can you do for me that I can't do for myself? Friendship is based on a true admiration of who you are.
Friendship happens in stages.
1) I hang out with certain people because I am genuinely interested in them as a person.
2) As I get to know them, I am willing to give more of myself and what I have to enable them to be who they need to be.
3) Finally, as the friendship deepens, I become protective of them, as members of my own family, whom I would die for if need be.
Life experiences has taught me to set boundaries to protect myself and my assets; but, many of us build walls around us, instead of simple boundaries, that prevent anyone from getting to know us and being our friend. Until we can operate with simple boundaries instead of walls, so that we can reach the last stage in our friendships, we have no business choosing a mate from the first two stages.
When we decide to choose a mate, we not only consider how we feel about that person, but how well that person nurtures friendship. Friends are the fruit of your character. In Matthew 6:17 Jesus said, "Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns or figs from thistles?" He was talking of how to discern who was a false prophet. But, we can discern who our best friends are by this method as well.
Can you trust your friends? Can you count on them when the chips are down? Would your friend give his life for you if need be? You can answer these questions by looking at the other friends he has. Do they trust him? Are they inspired by him? Do they protect him?
Functional friendship is mutual. Dysfunctional friendship is not good for your health, or your bank account. A true friend never takes more than he is willing to give. A true friend nurtures the friendship by giving more than he expects to get back. Then he watches to see if his friendship is growing. If it is growing in trust and integrity, the giving part is easy. If not, you may wish to re-evaluate who you've chosen as a friend.
Communication is defined, where friendship is concerned, as mutual permission to disagree. This means that give and take is involved. it requires listening skills as well as skills in self-evaluation.
So, while we discuss problems we have as singles, we need to discuss ways to get rid of those problems, and learn to nurture friendships that are real, unshakeable, and lasting.
Most people can count the number of friends they have on one hand; and they aren't sure about them. Even our best friends don't know everything about us. This is because in this day and age, we don't trust anyone completely; and, trust is the foundation of friendship.
True friends can be trusted with your life. Jesus said, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) Jesus was the best example of a friend that the world ever had. But, before I get into the example Jesus set for us in what constitutes a friendship, I'd like to go back to other Biblical examples of friendship.
In 1 Samuel, starting around chapter 14, I believe, begins the story of Jonathon and David. At the time they met (1 Samuel 18:1), David had already been annointed to take Jonathon's place as heir to the Kingdom, due to Saul's disobedience. To understand the nature of their friendship, you must understand who Jonathon was, as well as who David was. Jonathon was Saul's son.
Jonathon was not only Saul's son, he was a fearless warrior. Months before David came into the picture, the Israelites were fighting with the Philistines. The Philistines were winning. Finally, Saul retreated and ordered that no one eat anything until the evening, to petition God for revenge on the losses he'd taken that day. Furthermore, he ordered that anyone who did not fast was to be put to death.
Jonathon wasn't there when his father made that decree. He was pacing back and forth, fuming, in front of his men. He wanted to fight some more. He wanted to beat them. He wanted to bring honor back to his father's army. So, he and his men went and provoked the opposing army into attacking again. The Philistines bit the bait and war was on again, with Jonathon kicking butt, and Saul wondering why they were fighting again.
After the battle, on the way back to his father, Jonathon found some honey and broke the fast. And, as proud as Saul was, he was duty bound to honor his decree. However, due to the recent victory Jonathon had over the Philistines, the people of Israel threatened to revolt if Saul followed through on his decree, and so Jonathon was saved.
Then, Saul is told to defeat the Amelakites. He was told to destroy them off the face of the earth. He was told to leave nothing alive. He disobeyed God by bringing back a prisoner of war and all the cattle. So, God annointed to David, a shepherd boy who played the harp and wrote and sang songs for a living, to be King after Saul is gone.
When the spirit of God left Saul, he was distressed. Depressed. The only thing that soothed him was music. So, he sent for David when his servants told the king about the talent of the boy. Saul loved him so much that he made him an Armourbearer. This was the first training he received for his future office. Saul had no idea that he was training his replacement.
Soon, David went back home to be with his aging father and tend the sheep and do what he was doing before Saul called for him. Back to the good life. And, the Philistines wanted revenge.
Saul's army was camped on one mountain side, and the Philistines were on another, and there was a valley between them. David's three oldest brothers were on the front lines, waiting for action.
Jesse, David's father, called his youngest son and sent him to the front lines to see how his brothers were doing. He also sent him some bread to take to the head general to fish for information. They didn't have newspapers back then, so whatever David could find out, he would bring back to his father who would then let everyone else in the village know.
When David got there, he saw this giant idiot challenging God's army, and he let his brothers and all their company know what he thought about Goliath. "Who is this wimp that would taunt God's army? Why isn't anyone accepting his challenge?" David's brothers then admonished him to keep his mouth shut, accusing him of only wanting to see blood and guts. But David persisted. Finally, before he knew it, he accepted the challenge himself, and with nothing but a small pebble and a slingshot, he won Goliath's sword for himself, the Philistines for Israel, and was standing in front of Saul and Jonathon with Saul's head hanging from his hands.
That moment, Jonathon's soul was knit with Davids. David was his hero. David was fearless, and Jonathon loved David. But, the story doesn't stop there.
Saul put David as head of his army. Soon, the people were singing about how Saul had slain his thousands, and David his ten-thousands. This made Saul very jealous. He became so jealous, in fact, that he ordered Jonathon to kill David. Instead, Jonathon helped David escape, then went back to talk some sense into his father. Had Saul known that Jonathon had warned David to run, he probably would have killed Jonathon. He wasn't beyond that. After all, it nearly took a revolt to stay his hand once before, already. The risk Jonathon took further sealed the trust David had in him. Jonathon was willing to die for David and now David knew it. Do you have even one friend you trust that much?
You know, it really feels better when you are sick, or in mourning, broken-hearted, or in trouble to have a friend that really distresses with you. Most of us don't know how to be friends like that. You find out who your real friends are when you are down and out. Those who sit with you and keep you company when you are hurting are true friends. Job had three friends like that. Just three. He lost all he had and they got together and decided to make him feel better. (Job 2:11)
Do you have many friends like that? When you are lonely or depressed, do they come to you, or do you have to round them up?
In 2 Kings 1-14, Elisha loved Elijah so much that he wouldn't let him out of his sight. Elijah constantly tried to get Elisha to stay behind, but Elisha was determined to follow him where ever he went. He wanted to see what his friend did. He wanted to be involved in his friends life. How many friends do you have like that? Are you Elisha, or Elijah?
In 2 Timothy 1: 1-5, Paul writes a letter to his friend, Timothy. He knows Timothy is his friend and he loves him for several reasons:
1) Paul thinks of Timothy constantly
2) Paul prays for Timothy's well-being
3) Paul can hardly wait to be able to spend time with him
4) Paul knows Timothy feels the same way about him
5) They share a mutual faith in Jesus Christ.
How many friends do you have like that?
Jesus commanded us to be friends like all of the above. More specifically, he commands us to BE friends to everyone, regardless of how they feel about us. What does a Jesus type friendship mean?
1) You must know how to communicate. Communication starts with you. When someone asks you, "Where are you going?" or "Where have you been" or "What are you doing?" it is there invitation to accept them as a friend. Jesus hid nothing from his friends. John 15:13, Jesus said, "Henceforth I call you not servants, for the servant knoweth not what the Lord doeth; but I have called you friends; for all that I have heard of my father, I have made known to you."
2) Don't expect your friends to befriend you first. Choose your friends, and be a friend first. Jesus chose twelve men to befriend, as well as countless others. When someone needs you, be there. Don't expect them to come to you. In John 15:16, Jesus said, "You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you." Yes, there are risks. Judas is proof of that.
3) Be forgiving. By being forgiving, even when a friend is treacherous, you are demonstrating the mercy Christ had as they drove the nails in his hands. You are proving you can be trusted intimately, as we now trust Christ.
4) Be loyal. A loyal friend would die, if need be, for a friend. Jesus said, "Greater love hath no man than he that would give up his life for a friend."
5) Be protective. Don't place your friends in dangerous situations that could lead them astray. Christ died so that we could live. He died to save us, not condemn us. So, when you let a friend drive drunk, you are not being a friend. When you act stupid in public and put a friend in danger of guilt by association, you are not being a friend. When you ask your friend who is working behind the counter at McDonald's to give you some extra fries for free, you are endangering his livelihood, and you are not being a friend.
6) Be helpful. If someone needs your help, help them. Be careful not to enable them to sin, however.
7) Spend quality time with your friends. Why do you think Jesus spent so much time in the boat?
8) Have a servant mind. Do small things to make your friends lives easier.
9) Encourage your friends. When they feel bad, uplift them. When they need a shoulder, give it. Be there.
10) Be more interested in them than they are of you. In time, they will want to know more about you. They will learn to love you. They will become the friend you need.
